Blah....

[x[Marika]x[Vampish]x]

Okay, first of all I know I don't have the worst life ever, but I kinda wish I had a better one.
I got a little bro whose 14 with ADHD and Asperges Syndrome and going through hormones ( as in he's crazy than a hundred pregnent women in liine for the toilet) who constantly kicks holes in the walls, doors, wrecks my things, abuses my and my mum (mostly verbally) and claims he can't help it cause he's mentally disabled (except at my father's house he behaves brilliantly).
My dad has his own business and uses it to cheat on his child support money so we get $33NZ a month (which is enough for the the milk and bread for each week of the month -.-) He knows how bad my brother is but he favours him and constantly hassels me about how fat stupid and ungrateful I am and spoils my brother (eg. for my 13th birthday he gave me two pairs of PJ's and my bro got PS2 games, an eye toy and eye toy games for his 13th) and he hassels me about how I'm going to pay for university next year (im in my last year at high school and wanting to study zoology next year) he also bitc.hed about the university I'm going to, even though it's the best option for what I want to do, it's not the best (or most expensive) uni in New Zealand.
I hate school, I feel like I can't fit anything in my head anymore, I'm too depressed from all the fighting at home, and lunch break sucks because half my mates have left school or ditched our group for their girlfriends. We also have little 1st year girls SPITTING at us, (mostly directed at me and my mate in the year below me) telling us we're emo and to go cut ourselves.
I used to cut/burn myself everyday and I managed to stop for about 7 month, but last week i made huge cuts up my arm, the only thing that's keeping me alive is 3 of my best mates, my mum and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend is A LOT older then me (as in he's 30) and I'm 17, I love him to death and want to spend the rest of my life with him, he said he'll follow me wherever my career takes me and is gonna propose to me on my 18th, he has two kids (3 and 1) and doesn't want anymore, due to my ******* brother I am NEVER having kids myself, so our relationship works.

I pretty much am finding it really hard to go on, and it makes it worse seeing my mum feel the same, she calls herself stupid and useless, but she looks after me and my bro, has 3 jobs and studies via correspondence. My ******* father constantly hassles her on the doorstep when he picks her up and calls her a horrible parent.

I don't know want to do, I've held it all in the past few months but it's all starting to boil over, can anybody give me any advice or something?
Thanks for listening to my rant ^_^
xo

[Ashaman]

i was read aalll ... its realy hard problem... btw first kids always have not so good presents.. lol.. i realy dunno what advice i shell give.. but kill yourself its not good idea(forgot how to right write )