Coming Out and Staying Out!

[°º¤ø,¸ |The Risherz| ¸,ø¤º]

In simple terms, being gay means that you are sexually attracted to members of your own s.e.x and that you identify with other gay people or the larger gay community. Sexuality is a term used to describe a whole range of feelings, desires and actions relating to s.e.x.

Why Am I Gay?
Nobody knows for sure why some of us are gay and some of us are not. Lots of theories have been put forward ranging from genetic differences to overbearing parents. The evidence so far suggests that random genetic factors play a part in determining our sexuality in the same way they play a part in determining, for example, lefthandedness.

One thing we do know is that no-one chooses their sexuality. Some gay people knew they were different, if not gay, from as young as five or six. It is said that, for most of us, our sexuality is determined by the age of 12 or 13 and probably 16 at the latest. By and large, society tends to assume that everyone is, or wants to be, heterosexual. This is known as heterosexism. Some people continue to believe that it is a choice and that we can be persuaded into heterosexuality. By assuming heterosexuality, society gives rise to the dilemma, for those of us who know we are gay, of whether to hide our sexuality or to come out - with all that this entails.

There have been small but perceptible changes in the way world's society views homosexuality, but there is a long way to go before it will accept us in the same way as it does people who are, say, lefthanded. This has more to do with society's hang-ups around s.e.x and sexuality than individual gay people. Often, once people know someone who is gay, their prejudices and fears about homosexuality disappear all together.

Growing Up Gay
For many young gay or bisexual people, adolescence can be a time of particular anxiety and fear. Many lesbians and gay men look back on this part of their lives with sadness and regret. There are very few positive gay role models and a lot of hostility towards openly gay people. Gay teenagers often become painfully aware that they are not like other people and many become withdrawn and lonely, convinced that only they are feeling this way. They learn to hide their true feelings or act as others want them to, for fear of being ostracised, ridiculed or rejected by loved ones and friends.

Above all, there can be a sense that we are somehow different, that we are abnormal and that we are going to disappoint people.

Some people believe that if they get married their gay feelings will disappear. It is unusual for this to happen. Most store up a great deal of stress and anxiety for their later years. Coming out as a gay parent has particular challenges. Breaking out of a clearly defined role, or even attempting to shift the definition of it, involves tremendous courage and strength. The conflict between their relationship with their spouse and family and their need to be themselves can be enormous.
Coming Out
There are several stages in the process of coming out. It's your life so take your time - do things for you and only when you are ready!

Why do I want to come out?
This is the most important question to ask yourself. If you answer something like: "Because I'm proud of who I am" or "It is impossible to become a fully happy human being if my sexuality remains suppressed" or "I want to meet other gay people" then these are good reasons. Think very carefully if your reasoning is to hurt or shock people. Often the person who gets hurt will be you.

Who Should I Tell
Many gay people describe how important it is to first tell someone outside the family. Make sure it's someone you trust and who you believe to be open minded and supportive. Be careful if you decide to confide in a teacher at school - they may be obliged to tell someone else what you have told them. Find out the school policy on confidentiality before you go ahead.

If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them for help to approach the other. Sometimes brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to understand more about homosexuality or bisexuality. Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your family is to become closer to them.

There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say: "How can you be sure?", "I went through a phase like this at your age", "You'll grow out of it", "You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite s.e.x" and "How can you know at your age?"

You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a trusted friend or a lesbian and gay helpline or switchboard.

Support Your Family
This can be a traumatic time for some members of your family. You may feel unable to answer all their questions or to deal with all of the issues that come up for them. They, in turn, may not feel comfortable talking about homosexuality or bisexuality with you.

This can be a difficult time if your happiness is dependent to some degree on your family's reaction. If this is the case for you, we would advise that you talk it over with someone who has been through it already - perhaps your local gay switchboard or helpline.

How should I tell them?
There is no rule that says you have to sit down and talk to others about this, there are other ways.

You might like to write to them first and give them time to react in their own way. This is probably a better approach if, for example, you live a long way from your family or friends. Remember that you have probably taken a long time to get used to the idea yourself and others might need the same amount of time. Writing a letter allows you to take your time and to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the person you are writing to space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you. This could be a useful approach if you are expecting a very hostile or negative reaction.

If you decide to talk face to face, remember not to rush it or to do it when one of you is in a hurry or distracted. It probably won't help to memorise a script either - you can guarantee that some people do not respond in a predictable manner. If you are worried about their reaction, tell them of your fears and that you don't want to hurt them but need to be honest with them. Remember to listen to what they have to say - it should be along the lines of a chat, not a speech!

When should I tell them?
When it comes to coming out, timing is an important consideration. Choose the moment carefully - do it when you (and they) have lots of time - not last thing at night when you are likely to be more tired and emotional.

Think about the way you are feeling, allowing for nerves, which are perfectly natural under the circumstances, don't do it if you are feeling angry or emotionally sensitive - this will affect what you say and how you say it. For obvious reasons don't do it when you are drunk (even if you think you need a drink to steady your nerves).

And remember - only when you are good and ready. A friend once said that he knew he was ready to tell his family only when he realised that, if he had to, he could live without their support. Fortunately for him (and his family) this didn't happen.

[°º¤ø,¸ |The Risherz| ¸,ø¤º]

Consequences and reactions
So you've told someone. You are either balancing on the edge of an erupting volcano or dancing with joy on the moon (or both!). Some people describe a huge weight being lifted from their shoulders, of feeling euphoric and giggly and childlike again.

Don't feel guilty about it - go on and enjoy yourself, you deserve it. The thrill of revealing something long kept hidden can give a tremendous sense of relief.

Use this new found energy wisely and remember that close friends and family may be worried that you have changed out of all recognition. Reassure them that you have changed - and for the better and that you are simply exploring a new, more complete you.

Most people will experience many positive reactions. For example, "We're so pleased you could tell us" or "Well we had already guessed and were just waiting for you to say something". Some gay people have also met with the response, "So am I".

If things are so bad that you feel like giving up with the whole process of coming out, it's important to talk to someone about your fears and concerns. Again your local switchboard, helpline or Gay Men's Health Project can offer you support and guidance.

It's probably better to persevere and keep going, after all, you have come this far and in many ways it would be difficult or impossible to go back now. The next person you talk to will probably give you a huge hug and say that they were relieved that you had found the courage to tell them and that they had suspected that something may have been on your mind for a long time.

Just a quick note, if anyone has any questions they would like to ask about this topic, please feel free to private message me anytime and I'd be glad to answer them at the best of my ability

God Bless

[Luka]

Originally Posted by °º¤ø,¸ |The Risherz| ¸,ø¤º

Just a quick note, if anyone has any questions they would like to ask about this topic, please feel free to private message me anytime and I'd be glad to answer them at the best of my ability

And why would people message someone on a forum about their personal gay issues?
For all they know, you could be a fake. Just like half the blooming Forum is.

And lastly.. nice copy/paste.

[AFG_47]

Originally Posted by Luka;2***105

And why would people message someone on a forum about their personal gay issues?
For all they know, you could be a fake. Just like half the blooming Forum is.

And lastly.. nice copy/paste.

you meany


well i am not gay but its just liking some one from your se.x so why have so many words

[°º¤ø,¸ |The Risherz| ¸,ø¤º]

Originally Posted by AFG_47;2***140

you meany


well i am not gay but its just liking some one from your se.x so why have so many words

Well for some people it's a very stressful and hard process, especially in today's society, but I understand where you're coming from

[AFG_47]

Originally Posted by °º¤ø,¸ |The Risherz| ¸,ø¤º;2***150

Well for some people it's a very stressful and hard process, especially in today's society, but I understand where you're coming from

yes i am coming from a stra8t life no gay here



>_> but still stupid its not like their special

so ye they gay or what ever dont mean they have to gay their own forum or have gat pride days >_>

[°º¤ø,¸ |The Risherz| ¸,ø¤º]

Originally Posted by AFG_47;2***153

>_> but still stupid its not like their special

so ye they gay or what ever dont mean they have to gay their own forum or have gat pride days >_>

I think that's a perfect topic to start in debate, could stir up a lot of sh!t

[AFG_47]

Originally Posted by °º¤ø,¸ |The Risherz| ¸,ø¤º;2***156

I think that's a perfect topic to start in debate, could stir up a lot of sh!t

yep people going to star bashing >_>
tell me about it AJ


but still rofl
people not knowing why they gay

[hotguy234]

Originally Posted by °º¤ø,¸ |The Risherz| ¸,ø¤º;2***150

Well for some people it's a very stressful and hard process, especially in today's society, but I understand where you're coming from

Actually most people around me are gay or bi..
Mostly bi its starting to become a trend not knowing who you are..

[Jenna]

Your posts remind me of andy