I found out my brother is gay

[wannahelp]

I got the shock of my life when a concerned friend of my brother informed me that my brother is attracted to men. I was also informed that he is popping pills and drinking alcohol everyday. He is bi-polar and should be on meds. I don't know what to do. He just got out of a 10 year marriage, has 2 kids and doing very badly fiancially. His best friend killed himself last summer.

When I think of how many years he has been in denial and how unhappy his life is. I guess he has finally reached a point where he admits he is attracted to men but he still wants to repress his feelings.

He has been very critical of gay people in the past. He is the last person you would ever expect to be gay.

We live over 1000 miles apart but I will be flying home for TG and his friend says that he needs his family to support him even though he does not realize that yet. I could care less if he is gay. As long as he is happy. That is all that matters. I am not so sure the rest of the family will follow suit. I know my sister and other brother would accept him but our parents are a whole other story. Our mom is a Jehovah Witness and our dad is a Baptist.

If I tell him I know he is gay he could flip out and drive him further into the closet. Even though he is not close to our parents for some reason that is beyond me he cares about their opinions.

I think he is worried about what people will think and react. He needs drug rehab for sure. I think he is taking these drugs to numb all the pain he is in. That worries me because that is what his friend did before he killed himself.

I don't know what to do.

[twinkle toez]

Originally Posted by wannahelp

I got the shock of my life when a concerned friend of my brother informed me that my brother is attracted to men. I was also informed that he is popping pills and drinking alcohol everyday. He is bi-polar and should be on meds. I don't know what to do. He just got out of a 10 year marriage, has 2 kids and doing very badly fiancially. His best friend killed himself last summer.

When I think of how many years he has been in denial and how unhappy his life is. I guess he has finally reached a point where he admits he is attracted to men but he still wants to repress his feelings.

He has been very critical of gay people in the past. He is the last person you would ever expect to be gay.

We live over 1000 miles apart but I will be flying home for TG and his friend says that he needs his family to support him even though he does not realize that yet. I could care less if he is gay. As long as he is happy. That is all that matters. I am not so sure the rest of the family will follow suit. I know my sister and other brother would accept him but our parents are a whole other story. Our mom is a Jehovah Witness and our dad is a Baptist.

If I tell him I know he is gay he could flip out and drive him further into the closet. Even though he is not close to our parents for some reason that is beyond me he cares about their opinions.

I think he is worried about what people will think and react. He needs drug rehab for sure. I think he is taking these drugs to numb all the pain he is in. That worries me because that is what his friend did before he killed himself.

I don't know what to do.

Don't do any telling anyone anything .. I am assuming you are young??
have thanksgiving and enjoy it.. maybe you can mention to your brother that he might be able to use a few a.a. meetings . Him being sober for awhile may sort it all out.. sometimes people who over drink evidence syptoms of mental illness... If they sta sober they lose those symptoms and return to sanity so to speak.. also he will be able to determine what is best for himself sober.. If he gets mad at you don't feel bad he will be in denial ... he is the last one to know or he does not want to stop self medicateing.. I am sure your brother will get help ..maybe a prayer to God just say I don't know what to do ..I know you can help my brother so please help him .. sometimes all the confrontation in the world is not as good as one little prayer... I hope it works out well , don't worry ( worry is aprayer for something you don't want to happen.. have a good time with your family .. Happy thanksgiving

[King Adrian]

First of all, I'm sorry that you're in that sort of situation.

It is not my place to offer life advice, this is a job for a social worker or a therapist; however, if you're unable or incapable of seeking a proffessional, you have to understand that this is a delicate family matter, try to not reel in others (non-professionals).

It's more than likely that to sober and rehabilitate your brother, a family intervention should occur, it might not include the whole family but close relatives like siblings, people offer a positive influence in his situation. He's in a troubled state, he needs guidance.

His drug and alcohol abuse MIGHT be directly from his supressing his sexuality, confront him. Note MIGHT. If any type of issue or conflict resides within him, try to talk it over but in his own WILLING pace. Make sure he is comfortable and secure when he's opening up and don't make quick and hasty judgements or conclusions.

It sort of situation, will not be easily resolved, you have to understand that these sort of matters take time and ALOT of patience. It was wise of you to look for help but you're not in the right place. This would likely be better off with professional help.

[wannahelp]

Originally Posted by twinkle toez

Don't do any telling anyone anything .. I am assuming you are young??
have thanksgiving and enjoy it.. maybe you can mention to your brother that he might be able to use a few a.a. meetings . Him being sober for awhile may sort it all out.. sometimes people who over drink evidence syptoms of mental illness... If they sta sober they lose those symptoms and return to sanity so to speak.. also he will be able to determine what is best for himself sober.. If he gets mad at you don't feel bad he will be in denial ... he is the last one to know or he does not want to stop self medicateing.. I am sure your brother will get help ..maybe a prayer to God just say I don't know what to do ..I know you can help my brother so please help him .. sometimes all the confrontation in the world is not as good as one little prayer... I hope it works out well , don't worry ( worry is aprayer for something you don't want to happen.. have a good time with your family .. Happy thanksgiving

I would never tell a soul. That is why I am here. I cannot risk telling anyone in my circle. His friend only came to me out of concern because he is so worried. I'm thinking maybe some kind of intervention about his drug use and he can deal with his gay issues later. I am thinking it's connected some how. Numbing himself so he does not have to deal with the pain he is in. A person can only stay in denial for so long.

[King Adrian]

Originally Posted by wannahelp

I would never tell a soul. That is why I am here. I cannot risk telling anyone in my circle. His friend only came to me out of concern because he is so worried. I'm thinking maybe some kind of intervention about his drug use and he can deal with his gay issues later. I am thinking it's connected some how. Numbing himself so he does not have to deal with the pain he is in. A person can only stay in denial for so long.

Your brother is his own person, if he is unable to see the errors of his ways, you should not worry head and foot over his well being; however, if his "spiraling downward" lifestyle is directly affecting you, then you should make sure that error is corrected.

It's noble that you're stepping up and showing concern for your brothers situation.

I'd like to ask a question if I may, how far is he in his drug and alcohol abuse?
Is it seriously affecting his productivity that he's rendered jobless?

[wannahelp]

Originally Posted by King Adrian

Your brother is his own person, if he is unable to see the errors of his ways, you should not worry head and foot over his well being; however, if his "spiraling downward" lifestyle is directly affecting you, then you should make sure that error is corrected.

It's noble that you're stepping up and showing concern for your brothers situation.

I'd like to ask a question if I may, how far is he in his drug and alcohol abuse?

Is it seriously affecting his productivity that he's rendered jobless?

He still has his job but I don't know for how long. He has been written up twice for tardiness and no call no shows. He has been in what I would call a "slow spiral" since the summer but this past month according to his friend it's gotten bad. So bad he has not seen his kids since October and that is unheard of for him.

[The Voice]

Originally Posted by wannahelp

I got the shock of my life when a concerned friend of my brother informed me that my brother is attracted to men. I was also informed that he is popping pills and drinking alcohol everyday. He is bi-polar and should be on meds. I don't know what to do. He just got out of a 10 year marriage, has 2 kids and doing very badly fiancially. His best friend killed himself last summer.

When I think of how many years he has been in denial and how unhappy his life is. I guess he has finally reached a point where he admits he is attracted to men but he still wants to repress his feelings.

He has been very critical of gay people in the past. He is the last person you would ever expect to be gay.

We live over 1000 miles apart but I will be flying home for TG and his friend says that he needs his family to support him even though he does not realize that yet. I could care less if he is gay. As long as he is happy. That is all that matters. I am not so sure the rest of the family will follow suit. I know my sister and other brother would accept him but our parents are a whole other story. Our mom is a Jehovah Witness and our dad is a Baptist.

If I tell him I know he is gay he could flip out and drive him further into the closet. Even though he is not close to our parents for some reason that is beyond me he cares about their opinions.

I think he is worried about what people will think and react. He needs drug rehab for sure. I think he is taking these drugs to numb all the pain he is in. That worries me because that is what his friend did before he killed himself.

I don't know what to do.

Maybe the drugs and alcoholism are a result of an inability to cope with the passing of his friend. He's bipolar so that's certainly a possibility. I wonder if his late friend knew he was gay. If so, then maybe he'll open up to you since he came out to him. Then again maybe he and his best friend were more than just friends?

Either way, it sounds like a difficult and delicate situation. You should let him know that you'll be there for him no matter what as well as encourage him to get professional help before it's too late.

But I'm not sure what the best way of going about doing that is since a misstep could create further shame and embarrassment. Maybe start with a phone call to discuss the upcoming holday and go from there.

You know your brother better than any of us do. Trust your instincts and choose your words carefully. If I come up with any other ideas I'll let you know.

Good luck to you and your family.

[King Adrian]

Originally Posted by wannahelp

He still has his job but I don't know for how long. He has been written up twice for tardiness and no call no shows. He has been in what I would call a "slow spiral" since the summer but this past month according to his friend it's gotten bad. So bad he has not seen his kids since October and that is unheard of for him.

I would not say that his sexuality would a big factor in his problem unless it's the direct cause for his drug and alcohol abuse.

You've only recieved a 3rd person assumption that he is gay, unless he admits or confirms his homosexuality, then that sort of information is not viable, not if he's in denial.

Since you described the situation's progression as "slow", then I would suggest to NOT make quick moves. Take time to understand him and his problem.

Again I urge you to seek professional help for this problem if you think it's grave.

[death98]

Originally Posted by wannahelp

I got the shock of my life when a concerned friend of my brother informed me that my brother is attracted to men. I was also informed that he is popping pills and drinking alcohol everyday. He is bi-polar and should be on meds. I don't know what to do. He just got out of a 10 year marriage, has 2 kids and doing very badly fiancially. His best friend killed himself last summer.

When I think of how many years he has been in denial and how unhappy his life is. I guess he has finally reached a point where he admits he is attracted to men but he still wants to repress his feelings.

He has been very critical of gay people in the past. He is the last person you would ever expect to be gay.

We live over 1000 miles apart but I will be flying home for TG and his friend says that he needs his family to support him even though he does not realize that yet. I could care less if he is gay. As long as he is happy. That is all that matters. I am not so sure the rest of the family will follow suit. I know my sister and other brother would accept him but our parents are a whole other story. Our mom is a Jehovah Witness and our dad is a Baptist.

If I tell him I know he is gay he could flip out and drive him further into the closet. Even though he is not close to our parents for some reason that is beyond me he cares about their opinions.

I think he is worried about what people will think and react. He needs drug rehab for sure. I think he is taking these drugs to numb all the pain he is in. That worries me because that is what his friend did before he killed himself.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry to be in a bad position. anyway if I were you put gay aside for now and deal with getting him off drugs/beer. I mean if he has kids he needs bad help. just spend a bit of time with him calm him down. and TRY and get him off drugs/beer.

also why does being gay matter?

[AshleyBabes]

im sorry you are in this situation babe
i think your brother has so much bad things happen to him, that hes trying to find a way to make them go away, finding the wrong things tho, it doesnt matter if he's gay, if your parents love him, they will be fine with it, no matter what they are. i suggest you talk to your brother about getting help, real help, and maybe in time everything will work out fine.