Twhylight: New Moan

.::Kill0_0Frosty::. · 10-02-2009, 01:28 PM

It's me again, the Vampire Lestat, the main protagonist in one of Anne Rice's much better vampire books, although slightly gay, they're well written unlike some other vampire books. Just kidding it's not Lestat, it's Berra. That dumb bitch who trips over her own feet and has a thing for stalkers. Anyway Edwardo and I have been together for a while now, and he still hasn't got his dicky sticky with me. I'm starting to think he's still a butt pirate. We're headed to his house right now. It's my birthday, and I can't help but wonder what evil scheme the Cullens have for me.

Maybe they'll strip me down and eat me out... in a vampire way, not a sexual way. Maybe they've realized i'm just a threat to them. We get to the house and I realize this isn't the case. It's a surprise birthday party for me. "Edwardo! How could you surprise me like this!" I whispered at him.
"You said nobody would be here. I told you I was on my period!"
"No point in whispering Berra, we've all heard now that you're on your period, besides we can smell it." At that moment Jasper snarled.
"That period blood is mine!" he yelled and jumped at me. Edwardo stepped in the way and they got into a fight.

Edwardo managed to slip his finger in Jaspers ass, causing him to howl and cease what he was doing, but then Edwardo didn't stop and they smashed through the door and the ass pummeling continued on into the forest.
"I'll take you home," Alice said to me. So she did. A few hours later I woke up. Edwardo is at my window, he motions me to follow him. I noticed his mexican heritage has trimmed the grass and pulled out the weeds in the garden. He told me once that his need to garden and look for job vacancies is the same as his need to feed on blood. I climbed out the window and followed him. He didn't say anything until we were deep in the woods. Not my woods though, since he still refused to get his ****y sticky.

"Are you gonna get your dicky sticky?" I asked him. He looks disgusted.
"FINE THEN!" I yell at him, but his expression doesn't change. "What?"
"I can't do this anymore, because... after my finger accidentally slipped into Jasper's bung hole I realized I only want to get a sticky dicky if that sticky is from a man." I gasped.
"No Edwardo, you were recovering from your homosexual ways so well!"
"I can't fight what I am, okay... I'm nothing more than a monster. A damn ass monster!" He looked as disgusted as he did when I asked him about getting his dicky sticky with me the first time. My mind was blank, and I couldn't say anything.

"I want you to forget about me, and everything that's happened-"
"What about all the times you got your dicky sticky with me! I can't just forget those times, Edwardo! Or when you mowed my lawn!"
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" he yelled. "We never had sex, and also your dad still hasn't paid me for mowing the lawn."
"Oh, I'll remind him."
"No, it's fine. By tomorrow we'll be gone." and that was it, he left me standing there in the middle of the forest all alone. I don't know how long I wondered around for or where I was, but I couldn't stop. Then I saw something. It was taller than a man, huge and covered with hair.
"Is that you Edwardo? I'm not into furry action...," I murmured, my voice barely a whisper. It felt like a dream and I collapsed.

.::Kill0_0Frosty::. · 10-02-2009, 01:33 PM

I woke up covered in dirt and with jizz in my ear. Charizard, my dad, told me he got worried and sent out some people to look for me. The one I thought was a huge a furry was just one of the guys from the reserve. One of them native americans.

(I'm going to skip the next 3/4 of this book as it only includes moping and how "I was so hurt and heart broken".)

I went out with those two bitches from school again. Then like half way there I saw these guys walking in the middle of the street, and it reminded me of that one time when Edwardo saved me from those guys who wanted to Rick Roll me. I couldn't help it, and I walked towards them in a sort of haze. That's when I heard Edwardo's voice.
"Berra, I don't want to get my dicky sticky, I have to clean this pool!" I frowned and then I heard him speak again, "Don't do it, Berra."
That's when I realized that whenever I did anything dangerous I'd heard Edwardo's voice.

Sometime afterwards I found these two bikes, and I thought they'd be pretty dangerous to ride. Only problem is they were banged up, but then knew what to do. I'd take the bikes to JayLo and ask him to fix them. That's what I did, and he seemed happy to do it. I noticed then that JayLo had grown quite a lot since I last saw him. I wondered where else he'd grown. "So, are you really black, JayLo Black?... if you know what I mean?" He looked at me confused and I told him not to worry about it.
His friends came around and they told me they got together every week as they had a furry fanclub. At first I didn't like furries, but then it began to grow on me, especially when I found out JayLo was a furry.

JayLo and I started to spend a lot of time together, he admitted that he liked me and wanted to get his dicky sticky, but I couldn't let him. I was still in love with Edwardo. Mike Hunt and JayLo asked me out on the same day, and I lacked the balls to refuse both of them. Neither of them seemed pleased when they saw one another. So we went to watch this movie and near half way Mike ran out. So now I was left alone with JayLo.
"Did it hurt Berra?" JayLo suddenly asked.
"What?"
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" I rolled my eyes at him.
"Would you suck my dick if I dipped it in water?" I gasped.
"What! No!"
"So you like it dirty then!" He grinned at me. I got up and left.

"Wait Berra, I was only joking." He grabbed my arm and I stopped. I was surprised by how warm he was. "Do you have a fever?" I asked him.
"I feel kind of sick to be honest." I suggested we go home. He asked me for a kiss, but I told him I had herpes, so he pulled away and let me go.
Only later did I find out that that was the first time JayLo had turned into a werewolf. His dreams of becoming a furry had come true, along with his other friends. At first he didn't want to see me. He told me he'd caught AIDS and I should stay away. I was fine with werewolves. They didn't do much but run around, eat and have furry sex in the woods.

Finally JayLo told me the bikes were ready and we started riding them. JayLo kept trying his luck with me, but I never gave in.

.::Kill0_0Frosty::. · 10-02-2009, 01:36 PM

One time he slipped me a ruffie and I thought it was candy and ate it, only later when I passed out did I realize what it was. He didn't do anything to me. I found jizz in my hair though. JayLo said he'd take me cliff diving. So we went out to this over 9000 metre high cliff and we jumped off, but then I started to drown coz my gaping vagina started to suck up all the water. I didn't think it were possible, but obviously it is. JayLo saved me.

When I got home I found Alice was there. She was freaking out, I mean really tripping balls. "I thought you were dead!" she yelled. I was confused. "I'm standing right here."
"But i saw you jump off a cliff." So I realized she'd seen a vision and obviously thought I was commiting suicide or something, so I explained it to her. "Oh no... I told Edwardo... and now, he going to Italy. He's going to reveal himself in the sunlight at one of the festivals! Do you know what will happen to him!"

"Nothing... he just throws glitter around."
"Apart from that, A vampire should never reveal themselves in sunlight. He's commiting suicide. The volturi will kill him! We have to save him."
"How, I have water in my vagina... Its hard for me to walk!"
"Don't worry, Berra. We'll fly there."
"Will you pay for my plane ticket?"
"No, I mean really fly. Think happy thoughts Berra! AND YOU CAN FLY! I saw this once on tv! Trust me."

So I started to think of Edwardo getting his dicky sticky and just like Alice had said I started to fly. So we flew to Italy. With stinging eyes we landed and Alice hijacked the yellow porsche. She told me she loved this car and Edwardo had to get her one once we save him, because she wanted to drive it everywhere, but the way she caressed the gear knob told me she had other plans. Anyway, Alice told me where he was. So I ran through the place, my vagina making swishing noises coz of the water inside, but I ignored it. I saw him then. He had no shirt off and he was just about to apply the glitter.
"Edwardo no!" I yelled. He didn't hear me. He stepped out and I jumped at him, pushing him back into the shade. "Don't do it Edwardo!"
"Berra... Alice... she said you were dead."

The Volturi caught us and made us follow them and then they all spoke about some vampire stuff. I wasn't really listening. They were all like, i'll show you mine if you show me yours. Then this bitch touched me and nothing happened and I was like "suck my dick bitch" but she didn't, because I obviously don't have one. So yeah, we were back together and came home. I told Edwardo I loved him and that we had to be together.
JayLo was pretty upset, and I asked him if we could still be friends, but he shook his head. I was devastated. I lost JayLo, but I got back Edwardo.

Anyway, Edwardo explained why he doesn't want to get his dicky sticky. He has a small penis.