my attempt at a poem

[landdownunder]

be nice im new at this

There he stands on the shore
Not yet a man, but off to war

His father ordered
His mother pleaded
But in the end they went unheeded


In another land on another shore
Now lays a man made by war
His thoughts of parades no longer
Pervade as he draws his last breath


In the end his life he gave
Another shore is now his grave.

[Masque]

Brilliant in all honesty.

[landdownunder]

awwwww thank you

u made my day

It's really good, well done.
=]

[landdownunder]

Originally Posted by +Paul+

It's really good, well done.
=]

ta

[Fearless™]

Wow! That was awsome! I loved every bit...except the last line of the 3rd stanza...the rhyming was a bit off there...but everything else is perfect

[landdownunder]

Originally Posted by Fearless_Virgin

Wow! That was awsome! I loved every bit...except the last line of the 3rd stanza...the rhyming was a bit off there...but everything else is perfect

thanks
yeah i know had trouble with that

[Mystic]

Originally Posted by Fearless_Virgin

Wow! That was awsome! I loved every bit...except the last line of the 3rd stanza...the rhyming was a bit off there...but everything else is perfect

i agree with fearless about the 3rd stanza but otherwise that was awesome ...

[landdownunder]

Originally Posted by Μуѕтїς

i agree with fearless about the 3rd stanza but otherwise that was awesome ...

Thank you

[Fearless™]

Originally Posted by landdownunder

In another land on another shore
Now lays a man made by war
His thoughts of parades no longer
Pervade as his last breath draws nearer.

Perhaps it'd be better that way? Cause then the rhyme scheme would be complete.